August 2005

WASH ME AND MAKE ME CLEAN

When I don’t know anything, you sustain me.  When I don’t know anything, and all I’m doing seems inadequate, and I have no answers, and I don’t know what is ahead of me, you sustain me.  When all I can do is rely on faith in the promises you have given me over and over again, you sustain me.

            Then I choose to remember all you have done for me, how you brought me from a life of violence, of mental abuse, of sexual depravity, and utter despair to one of wonder, of health, of love and joy and prosperity.  I remember that you anointed me, set your seal of ownership upon me, and put your spirit in my heart as a deposit, guaranteeing what is yet to come (II Cor 1:22).

            Then I choose to praise you in the heavens and on your mighty throne, to give you glory for the amazing Arizona desert, for the sunrise, and the great blue sky.  I give you praise for the God of mercy you are, for your plan of redemption, for your unfathomable, limitless love.

            Thank you, Lord, for the dream.  For the reminder of the horror my life once was, for waking up praying for your protection, even though several years have passed since I chose to obey you and leave it behind.

            I remember that prayer in the shower; the prayer to make me clean again, to bring me back from all the wretchedness I had let my life become, even though I belonged to you.  You were faithful, you gave me direction.  I was obedient, and you brought me through.

            Here I am again, and what I bring before you is not a life of wretchedness, but of exhaustion, of what seems to stretch out before me a long, unending labor of inadequacy, and I ask for your intervention.  Please give me faith to trust you, to know that in your time, and in your way, you will answer and provide.  You love me, I know this.  You are conforming me into the very image of my Lord and King.  Oh, how I do love you, Jesus.